Jeremiah 29:11. The scripture that was shared with me abundantly during that first year of brokenness and is a comfort to me, even now. It was the first time that I began to understand and believe the love that God had for me. For all of us. It gave me great comfort, that although, He never wanted any of this for me and my sweet boy, he had a plan for us. A plan that still has not come to fruition, but the Hope and Promise remain.

I lived in a fog those first few months, trying to get well, getting used to being alone and doing things I never had to. Simple things that are so mundane you don’t consider them, like changing the oil in your car, mowing the lawn, fixing little things that break around the house. I had become complacent in my marriage and my life. I never thought about all that could be lost, and what I had given away over the course of 15 years. Allowing so much of my independence and myself to fade away.

Something amazing happened as my eyes began to open. My heart and mind shifted. Those mundane tasks sparked a drive to grow. I began to see truth pour out of the crevices of the illusion we had created. I couldn’t believe it. I was never on any of our bank accounts, had no access to accounts that were in my name, had no access to our tax returns… The choices I made, brought so many hardships that I would now have to endure. God didn’t choose that life for me, I did. Although it was beautiful for a time, it became something that separated us from Him and each other.

So I started from the ground up. I was able to get a job as a waitress, continued to homeschool, attended church regularly, spent time with friends and family. Those were the rays of light piercing through the dark clouds. Then came more hardship. Moving into the Family Court system would open cages of demons I had no idea existed. Lies, manipulation, deception, and a level of disdain I would have never imagined could come from the same person who said he would love me forever and with whom I shared a child.

I was able to secure legal counsel, through a series of events I will share another time, but it was all God. The attorney provided was a bold and powerful older gentleman, with a kind face and stern posture. He knew what he was doing and offered to take the case pro bono, knowing I had no money to give his firm. He saw the battle we faced and he never once faltered on his confidence that we would overcome, and the truth would be revealed.

Jesus took him home that December, less than a year he fought for me and my son without charging me a dime. I will never forget him and what he tried to do for us. He was an amazing man. I believe with all of my heart, when he entered Heaven, Jesus welcomed him with, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”. His presence in the beginning of this battle, may not have brought victory, but he gave me hope that there were people out there still willing to help, and he reminded me to not be afraid of what would happen.

The firm, continued to work with me after his passing and I will always be grateful. I often wonder, what the outcome would have been, had he been with me until the end. I think it would have been very different, and that makes my heart ache a little. But, I can’t get caught in that place. The puddle of sadness and defeat. If you choose, you can drown in the puddle, or, you can stand up and keep walking. This gift was not offered up to us without sacrifice. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes the answer is no.

I could have taken this loss as a devastatingly clear indication that God didn’t care about the plans He had for us. There were many “noes” in the midst of something like this, but there were also many unexpected “yeses”. Like any good Father, he is close to us in our heartbreak and brokenness. We continue to press on knowing we aren’t alone. Navigating the unexpected is always challenging. That is why it’s better to travel with a friend. Who better than Jesus?