Pouring into the darkness by rejecting any glimmer of light. We all, at one time or another, have walked through corridors shadowed in fear. Fear of failing, falling, breaking. Withheld in isolation. Restricted by the lies of the enemy. A cyclic process that pushes away the truth and direction intended for us. We descend into a spiral of doubt, self destruction, compliance, and justification.

Reflection is critical when you feel trapped in a cycle of any kind. It helps gain insight and knowledge that is often ignored and rejected by the need to stay comfortable. How many of us can recognize moments where we stayed in circumstances we knew were toxic and misaligned with God’s will for us? How much justification have we made, knowing that we are not living in the place he has called us to live?

There is a desire to live a “Barbie” perfect life. The world has set a precedent for family, love, marriage and success. But God has also set a precedent and it doesn’t look the same. The truth isn’t always what you see. The highlights are what man gives to man. Social media, a perfect reflection of that ideology. A representation of the life you want others to know. A masking of the truth and fear that is so desperately being withheld.

We allow these fears to stop growth and forward movement. We grasp to the familiar even if it is to our detriment. We worry that our failure in any circumstance is an indication of our capability. This is something I am struggling with now. I feel as though I have done everything in my power to keep fear at bay. Yet the thought of failure and loss is overwhelming my spirit.

I know God calls us to reject fear. That fear is not of or from Him, but the enemy. It’s intent is to withhold us. Stifling our ability to fulfill the purposes He has for us. Speaking against this enemy has been an obstacle I have yet to overcome. Even with the constant evidence that God is present, I often feel consumed by the unknown. Despite all of my effort and desire to do everything right, I have failed often.

Lies and misdirection of the enemy infiltrate my spirit so much that my physical body begins to break. I have fought for so long to maintain any sense of accomplishment and security. Even when everything seemed impossible, I continued to hope and seek. I wanted so badly to see the fruition of all that God had promised. I needed to see that we weren’t forgotten.

The past few weeks have been some of the hardest I have faced in the last 3 years. The bubble I surrounded us in, burst. Everything I fought for and and everything I’ve been hoping for, gone in an instant. At least, that’s what fear says. The enemy says I am finally defeated. My heart, literally broken and my soul so tired, every breath brings an ache that only another broken soul could understand.

Fear consumes me in waves. I have to force myself to my knees and call out to the only one I know who hears. And I know He hears me. I know He weeps with me. I know that He is crying out to me to release this demon called Fear. This is also how I know that I still have work to do in my own faith and journey. With everything we’ve already lost, I know better than to believe that the enemy can defeat me.

I know I have the most powerful weapon on my side. God’s love for me and my sweet boy. 1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”. This is the assurance of God’s love. I may not be able to dictate the outcome or the length of time I get on this earth to fight, but I have the ability to conquer fear and truly know the love of God.

I pray that my body, mind and spirit continue to grow stronger each day. I know I will still cry, I will still yell, I will still feel defeated on days that don’t go the way I imagine. But I will also keep getting up, I’ll keep fighting, I’ll keep seeking, and I’ll continue to share what I’ve come to discover through those dark corridors that desired to trap and consume me. Because the light shines brighter and darkness won’t overcome me.