I have fought so hard to walk in light. I have struggled to keep shining through brokenness, fear, loss, uncertainty, pain and loneliness. I have always chosen joy in the dark moments of my story. But, today, and the past few days, my light is dimming. The choice to hold joy is becoming more difficult, and my strength to seek anything to maintain it, has faded into distant hum of something I used to know. I don’t know how to hold on right now. I don’t know how to heal.

My heart, spirit and mind are broken in a way that I’ve never experienced. My trust in any goodness hangs only by the words of love expressed by those who have drawn close enough to see me disappearing into the the darkness. Everything hurts in ways that surpass words and tears. I can never get back what was taken from me. The only hope I have, is that something new will grow within me. Something that will replace and exemplify a reborn and renewed version of myself.

Lies, manipulation, worldly desires and a selfish hope led me to this place. I wanted so badly to believe the whispers spoken to me and had no clarity in my sin. The result forced the exposure of things that I never thought were as bad as they were. The illusions imploded within me and darkness filled the void of the worldly dreams that had once been so elaborate and vivid. I had no evil or malicious intent. I convinced myself that the technicalities were just that. I ignored the truth I have always known.

I don’t know what I was hoping for as I look back. It all made sense, and now nothing does. I wonder if the intention was always to deceive. My mind and heart think so, but my spirit hopes that it wasn’t that evil. If it was, that means I was so far from understanding and so far from God, that I allowed the enemy to steal the best parts of me. I can’t seem to release the shame, anger, frustration and disappointment I feel in myself. How could I ever let this happen? How will I ever recover?

As I read my Bible and try to draw closer to God in repentance, all I see is condemnation and punishment. I know that these are the attacks of the enemy, yet they continue to cut and scar my soul. I can’t forgive myself and am struggling every day to see any light within me. I don’t feel worthy or able to be redeemed from this. I don’t know how to. It feels impossible to come back from the place in which I have fallen. It is so far away from Him.

But, God… I know You. I know Your love. I know Your grace is without limits. I know that it is only available because of the sacrifice of Your one and only son, Jesus Christ. I know I believe in all of these things. I have been continually looking, listening and longing for these truths to cling to my spirit. But, the human part of me feels despair, dismay, and worthlessness. I feel so very ignorant and naïve. I relinquished all of this knowledge with the hope of a love that never wanted or belonged to me.

I’m not sure how I will get through the next days, weeks, months or years, as more comes to light, and those I love are challenged with showing me the love and grace of Christ, or the disappointment and distance my sin deserves. I know I have to continue to seek His truth and attempt to see myself through His eyes. Despite all the turmoil within me, I know He wants me to release it to Him and allow healing to come. The enemy wants nothing more than to keep me in darkness.

If you’re reading this and you believe in all the truths that I speak of, please pray for me. Pray for release, forgiveness, healing, purpose and miracles. Pray that others that have fallen into the trap of sin, seek Him the way they need to to be freed from the bondage and torment of the world and of the enemy. Pray that light returns to destroy the darkness that is used to keep us far from our Father and His love. The love we all desperately require to continue to shine in a dark, broken and lost world.

” Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.” Psalm 51:10-12