Why is it so easy to throw people away? Why is it so easy to dismiss, destroy and discard a human heart? I’m struggling with my faith and my humanity. How do I breathe when it feels pointless and painful? Every day seems darker than the last, and the hope I so desperately want to find seems impossible to locate. I don’t even know how to seek it anymore, which makes me feel like I’ve lost my connection to God.

I know He’s still there. His promise is to never leave. My brokenness has separated my heart from His peace and I don’t know how to get it back. There are people who have reached out, ensured their love for me and offered to support and walk with me, yet I remain in darkness. Their voices are like echoes in a concrete abyss. I can hear them, but the sound is faint and their presence unattainable. I don’t feel loved and I don’t feel worthy of love.

I read this quote from A.W. Tozer, “Why do some persons ‘find’ God in a way that others do not? Why does God manifest His Presence to some and let multitudes of others struggle along in the half-light of imperfect Christian experience? Of course the will of God is the same for all. He has no favorites within His household. All He has ever done for any of His children He will do for all of His children. The difference lies not with God but with us.”. I know this is true. I know that my heart is keeping God’s presence from me, yet I can’t find a way to reconcile any of it.

I want so badly to release and surrender to whatever he will make of the situation and the lives left in my care. I want to believe that life is not a punishment or even a consequence for an action I caused. I want to believe that He loves me more than any love I could ever know, because I have felt it before. I have encouraged others that it exists and that it is waiting for anyone who wants it. But now, it feels so far away and I feel so empty. I keep asking if I will ever have light and joy again, but I am met with silence.

The book of Job is one of my favorite books in the Bible because it expresses so much of the human experience to me. I am trying to return to it knowing that this is one more part of the story, and that God isn’t silent. Right now, my human heart and the enemy are louder than what my spirit knows. I want to say I’m trying, but I don’t think I am. The sorrow is too deep and the burden too heavy. I never thought I would feel this abandoned and alone. I don’t even want to breathe, and I’ll be honest and say, without my son, I may have.

How can another human hurt you to the point of destruction? How can someone you love take every ounce of love from your soul, leaving you with nothing? And how did I go from being so strong, faithful, joyful and filled with His light, to this? I wish there was a way for me to know. I pray there is a moment of breakthrough. A glimmer. Any sliver of light that I am able to find. I know it won’t come from people, because so many have continued to try. Despite their greatest efforts, I feel nothing but pain.

I don’t want this life anymore. I don’t want this world anymore. I don’t want to feel discarded. All of it is selfish, I know. I know that there are so many people in this broken world that are thrown away, abused, tormented, and forgotten. My selfish bubble is nothing compared to the evils this place allows to flourish. And I struggle with this now too, because, why? Why does God allow these things to happen? I used to feel content in saying it all stems from free will, cause and effect, but that no longer seems sufficient.

With all I know, I still can’t find peace in this moment. I am told to not isolate, to find community, to seek His face daily…but I can’t. Not now, and I wonder if I will ever be able to return to that place where I felt comfort, love and grace. Maybe, writing this all is a sign there is still hope, or why so many of the Psalms reflect the anguish and confusion of the journey. Maybe, this will offer an opening for someone else to see that even those who have had the light of God shine on them, can be consumed by darkness. And, even when we feel alone, there are others sitting there in the darkness with us.

” For he has not despised or scorned the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help.” Psalm 22: 24

I want to believe.