Still stuck in the shadows surrounded by echoes in the distance, but waves of light find a way to enter in small bursts. Not feeling the presence of God is so foreign when you have known Him intimately. The days without Him feel more empty than you could ever imagine. The lament recognizable from familiar passages cried out by one who felt God’s presence had ceased to remain close. Hopelessness led the fight and the enemy believed his victory was imminent.

A feeling of emptiness that you never thought you could have, or even imagine. When love poured out is stifled by the ache within your spirit. “How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?” (Psalm 13:2). David felt the turmoil and battle within him, the way I do now. I want answers to questions that have no answers, or answers that are nonsensical and absent of any real truth. Yet, somehow, my heart aches to receive them and understand, the “Why?”.

My worth feels dependent on the answers, so if there are none, what does that mean about who and what I am? I know from the relationship I worked so hard to build with Christ, that this is the desire of the enemy. To trap us in the cycle of “Whys” in a world that has no definitive response to pain, evil, heartbreak, illness and chaos, outside of faith. We are in desperate need of order in a disorderly world made up of free will and consequence. My demand is the same as David’s, “Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall.” (Psalm 13:3).

The past few weeks have brought shadows of doubt, pain, confusion and a heartache I didn’t know I would ever experience again. I was so confident in my walk that I had no idea how far I could fall. How easily I could be misled and mistaken in the discernment I believed I had grown. The anger inside of me grew. My inability to forgive myself gave the enemy a foothold to torment and torture, tearing me away from the only hope and promises I had left.

God is no stranger to how this world can shatter a heart. He was broken for us and knows heart wrenching betrayal. He can turn things around when all seems lost and impossible. I have seen His love continue to be poured out through others, many who don’t even know me, but have a commitment and conviction within them to help lift me up out of the sludge in which I remain. They have filled the cracks of my brokenness with prayers, affirmations, encouragements, help and hope.

God’s love has once again manifested through His people in ways I never imagined. The mountain seems unconquerable, but He is the perfecter of my faith and family. Life brought to me with purpose despite the imperfect way that led me to that moment. I finally see the glimmers shining through and the impossible blur ahead is coming back into clarity. Although I’m not mentally, physically or emotionally prepared for all to come, I see enough to keep me moving forward.

David ends Psalm 13 with this, “But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.” (Psalm 13:5-6). Glimmers will help me get through tomorrow, and hopefully the next day. Breathing will get easier. As I push past the shadows to seek His light, I hope to feel his presence the way I once did, before I fell so far away from all I knew. I hope to find my song again, and one day maybe I will be able to praise and worship more deeply than I ever knew possible.

“I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or death.” Philippians 1:20