God knows how difficult we all struggle with accepting things that we wish we could change. The moments of regret, anguish, missed opportunities and “what ifs” entangle us in the shadows. We fight against the current and never seem to overcome it. The moments we need and want to surrender are the hardest to find when all we see is the struggle, the impossibilities and the pain. Our human hearts attached to the world in which we know best.

I have had to force my surrender moments for my own sanity and for the hope of restoration of my faith and heart. It has not come easy, nor is it a one and done instance. It is a daily choice to surrender the unknown to a known God. The God I have seen move mountains and calm storms in my life, over and over again. Out of all the surrenders I have had to make, this one has been the hardest. Yet, I feel and see the confirmation of my choice and the hope that lies ahead.

There is new life that started without my desire or hope. I struggled to understand why. Obviously I understand the how, but the odds and circumstances make no sense. The dismissal and destruction that followed nearly destroyed the last parts of my heart that I had saved to love fully again. I want answers, but know I need to let go and trust that God will redeem, restore and redirect. I now have two lives entrusted to me to lead and grow, and cannot do that with a broken and bitter spirit.

The pain and fear are still present every day I open my eyes, but every day I have to tell God I trust Him. Despite my failure, my anger, my uncertainty and doubt, I trust Him. He is all I have left to trust. My heart may heal in time again, but for now that seems impossible. I never thought I would find myself so lonely after everything I did to protect myself from being a target for use and destruction. I fell for the lies and deceptions, for the worldly desires of my heart to love and be loved the way I was promised. I gave into the illusion.

The loudest voices in my mind, heart and spirit are still that of my own guilt and shame. The enemy constantly reminding me how I deserve it all as punishment. But, every time I find myself stuck in the cycle of self destruction, God moves. I will receive a call, text, email, or a song will come on that speaks the opposite and reminds me of God’s grace and unconditional love. I have been humbled by every prayer spoken over me and my children. It has helped me endure the battles I enter in with the enemy, and it challenges me to draw myself back to the truth I fought so hard to find.

I have made many mistakes, and this one, by far, has been my greatest mistake. Yet, I know my heart and I know God has always known me. I have a different path to walk that I’m sure he didn’t want for me, or want for the lives left in my care, but he has a plan for us. I truly believe that. As long as I am willing to do my part, I know He will do His. There are a lot of days I fight to breathe and move, but I force myself to keep going because I am not the priority and I never was. I see my son and consider the new life growing and think about how much they need me to be faithful and full of love and not pain and sorrow.

So, I will surrender. Every day. For as long as it takes, until I know I have truly released all that is out of my control, and handed back to the Author of Life and Redeemer of the broken. I will trust every promise I spent years learning He keeps. I will attempt to grow fellowship despite the immense hurt and betrayal I have felt from the church. I will trust and keep hope that God will surround us with true believers who walk in His ways and in His love. I have already seen so many beacons of light shining in the distance and now want only to draw near to them, that their light may help me overcome the darkness I still hold.

If you are like me and facing a mountain right now, don’t lose hope. You may find yourself holding tightly to your pain some days, but on days when you can, let go and surrender it all to the One who wishes to comfort and love you. You aren’t alone. It isn’t easy to trust when trust has been so easily broken. None of us are unworthy of the love we seek. Even when men/women try to make us believe otherwise, we are worthy of someone to love us that is worthy of that love.

I’ve had many friends speak words of encouragement and hope. The best being this…the actions of others do not reflect the worth that God has already ordained within us for the life we are called for. He will make a way where there is no way and will redeem and comfort the broken hearted. If you have had a bad experience with a church and the people within its walls, try to remember that they too are human and not incapable of being worldly (this one has been very difficult for me). Not every church is the same and not all the people are either. Sometimes we are in places for a season and meant to grow somewhere else.

The cover photo I placed at the top of this post I took as I walked out of work one day. A double rainbow. A promise. A reminder that I am not alone or forgotten.

” I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth.” Job 19:25