There are so may days that have already passed, and yet each one has felt like a lifetime. An eternity in the void of endless destructive, unproductive and fearful thoughts. It’s as though time is a spirit itself, causing me to be torn between moments of past, present and future. I continue to pray, and surrender each moment of chaos and torment as often as I can. Leaning in and seeking hope and peace. I’ve discovered that it is no longer the same type of seeking I once knew. Everything is different.

There has been a shift in my entire existence. My view is now from the outside looking in. It’s like being stuck in a sad melodrama where the characters have little substance, and the majority of the show is a recap from the episode before. It’s a detachment that I don’t recognize. It is foreign and isolating. It has become my biggest challenge and greatest foe. I want to desire to feel differently, but there’s an odd peace that resides in the space where detachment lies.

It isn’t the same peace I long for, but it has been getting me from one day to the next. The only one I haven’t really detached from is my son. He is the only clear image I see that ignites joy and gratitude. The only evidence I have left that I am worthy of a blessed life, and worthy to win this battle raging within me. He is the reason my seeking has changed. I had to look for God in a different place than before. A deeper place where I’m forced to be still and silent, and patient enough to hear His voice and direction.

Even in the stillness, I don’t always hear or feel Him. That separation makes some days harder than others. Yet, I know He hasn’t left me, because the strength I have to move forward each day, comes from Him. I know it isn’t me. I know, because if I dwell long enough in my human heart and mind, the sorrow consumes me and I plummet back into darkness. Every breath I take feels like a million needles in my chest, and I want nothing more than to shut everyone and everything out. To be free of all of the unknowns looming in a future only He can see.

My journey hasn’t been easy and will only get harder as the days pass. My body is struggling to endure the consequence of my actions, as much as my spirit. There has been a variety of approaches people have taken toward me and my situation: avoidance, ridicule, condemnation, shame, love, compassion, grace, sympathy… The enemy attempts to dissuade my attempts to free myself from the prison I have locked myself in by telling me how much I am unworthy of any of the love shown to me. Constant reminders of my sin and failure with no room for redemption or restoration. No one has and no one will ever love the single mom that has been used, discarded and left empty.

These are the thoughts that God tells us to reject. The thoughts that can only be pushed away and destroyed by knowing Him, and the only way to know Him, is to seek Him. So every day, I try to find a new way to reconnect. There are days I find Him in a song that plays on the radio, or reel that pops up on social media, a random image in the day (like the day a neighbor’s tire tracks resembled 2 fish in the top photo). Sometimes, it’s the prayers my son speaks over me and the tiny life within me before we go to bed at night. I find myself encountering angels who speak words of encouragement, love and hope in moments the shadows begin to spread. Tiny ribbons of light that lead back to the heart of my Creator.

I remember God’s love and promises most when I read my favorite stories in the Bible. They were written with the intent to help the broken and lost. With the hope of reuniting us with our faith despite the difficulties of this world. Connecting us to those who came before us. Some that didn’t even have knowledge of Jesus and His redemptive power. As I have sought Him, these stories have come to life in a way I never experienced. I find pieces of myself within them now. Everyone should pursue the understanding that comes with this insight.

The stories of Joseph, Lazarus, Ruth and Job I frequent the most when I feel myself pulling away. In all of these circumstances, God had a plan that none of them saw. Comfort and understanding didn’t immediately come. Confusion, sorrow and pain was at the forefront of most of their situations. Patience, trust and faith was needed to fulfill the glory God had already written for them. His plan already in motion from the moment the pain began. Though He has no desire to see us suffer, He does not always intervene immediately. Trusting there is a reason and continuing to seek him through the pain and sorrow, is the hardest thing to do.

” I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me.” Proverbs 8:17