Here again I stand in awe of the Creator and Author of life. Though my will seeks to maintain control of the uncontrollable and my actions spark reaction, my mind fabricates a world in which I foresee the conclusion to my story. My plans laid out in my mind and my heart positioned in defense. I know better, yet like my doubt, it creeps into the crevices of my human brokenness. I stand armed with all I have, prepared to fight, only to discover that the enemy has surrendered. The recognition of the surrender visible as the dust settles from my pre-emptive strike.

The poem To a Mouse, on Turning Her Up in Her Nest With the Plough, by Robert Burns was inspiration for the title of John Steinbeck’s timeless novel Of Mice and Men. A story of two men plagued by the human condition of seeking, planning and forging their way through a cruel and unfair world in the hope of fulfilling their dreams. Many of us wrote papers and took tests asking us to explain the meaning of this book and famous quote. At the time, my teenage mind thought I had a firm understanding. You can plan for anything but be prepared for nothing. I did not yet understand how true that is.

My attempts to dictate, navigate and control the uncontrollable have been met with failure, redirection and little success. Man does not have the final say in the life of a believer. God will move in his time and ways, it is up to us to recognize His hand and hear His voice. Identifying the enemy is more difficult when we are connected to the worldly. We don’t have eyes to see what is happening spiritually. Often in our pain, we only see the darkness surrounding us and the plans we had being destroyed.

I have shared my heart, hurt, happiness and journey here, with the desire to not only release, but with the hope to rescue, or maybe resuscitate someone else. Some may relate right now to the struggles I have faced the past few months, while others may not truly know that walk and all it entails. I lean on faith in the moments when I have nothing else left, because God has yet to abandon me, so I can’t see giving up on Him. Even in moments when my cup was seemingly empty, I know it was not. I couldn’t have sustained the battle alone. I needed an army and an ally.

The obstacles I have been facing seemed impossible to overcome. My heart being broken and my spirit being destroyed, sank me into a pit of despair that only Jesus could reach into. I’ve seen miracles and movement that could only come from a loving Father who keeps His promises . I have seen a way be made where there was seemingly no way, and though I doubted, breakthrough still came. For the unbeliever, it all seems unfinished, but for a heart connected, with eyes wide open and ears to hear, miracles are unfolding.

The difficulty I face now is filtering out the voice of men from the voice of God. Mentors, well-meaning friends, caring family, all offer a voice. An opinion and interpretation of what they believe and feel they are being directed to share and offer. It’s a beautiful gift to be surrounded by people who love you so much. They are invested in the future you will have. But, the voices can be many, and though well intentioned, are not the voice of an all knowing God who has walked alongside of His child. A God who sees the end of the story if we are willing to trust Him.

There are statuses, familiarities and steps that men believe should be followed. Anything outside of those perimeters causes tension, uncertainty and a desire to redirect a loved one back to the path they believe God wants for us. I never truly believed it was that simple. Redemption stories aren’t forged by formula followers. They were men and women who had their best laid plans destroyed by missteps, failures, flaws, unbelief, doubt, and hardships. The only constant was their willingness to trust and seek God when they were asked to, even if they did so kicking and screaming.

Grace sometimes seems like a selective gift that believers want to offer only when it aligns perfectly with what they believe has been justified. But there are so many instances in the Bible, and in life, where God states the opposite. None of us are deserving of grace. We all fall short, so what does that mean when someone unexpected steps out in faith and asks for grace? Is it really “biblical” or what God is directing, if our personal feelings play a part in our willingness to forgive? It isn’t as simple as those on the outside would like to think.

Miracles manifest in the most difficult of circumstances. That’s the requirement. An unexplainable intervention to the impossible. It’s a hope all men long for, even those who don’t know or believe in God. The waiting seems endless in the chaos, but if and when you have been blessed to see many, it’s hard to deny the divine. This doesn’t mean the trial necessarily ends, it is just a more clear indication that you aren’t alone. It’s a reprieve from the battle.

I don’t know what will come next. I don’t know if the voice of men should be heeded despite the direction I feel led to follow. I don’t know if things will get worse before they get better, or if the road will remain difficult regardless. I know I trust the Author and I know that I’m tired of swimming against the current. I always had a plan. My plan. The plan that others saw for me. The plan of the world. I need something else. A redirect. A greater connection to the Author. A miracle.

“My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.“ 1 Corinthians 2:4-5