It has been quite a while. A lot of time has passed to process all that has occurred. The months have seemed to fly by. Truth, character, motives, and intent have been exposed. The darkness of men, once hidden behind the ruse of the spiritual, is brought into light. It has shaken my trust, and more than anything, disappointed my spirit. My ability to see the “church” the way I once did is forever altered. I felt compelled to discuss the experience and insight I’ve had, in the hope others who have had similar experiences don’t turn from God, but seek Him more diligently. God doesn’t exist in buildings, or the bodies within. His presence is one that is unfailing when we open our heart, mind and spirit.

The road I’ve recently traveled became cast in shadows and loud voices of external judgements of those only looking at what was on the surface. The details planted within my spirit and the steps I had taken, left unseen to those casting stones and speaking ugly words. So many souls turn away from faith, as they are held down and drown by the “righteous”. There is no pause from the accusers to consider their response. A moment to consider how their actions could effect the walk of the one who is facing a crossroad. Not once is the question “What would Jesus do?” raised in their minds. Instead, lots are cast and condemnation reigns.

Many generally know the story of the adulterous woman in the Bible. Brought before Jesus, her sin was called out by the Pharisees and they urged Jesus and the crowd to condemn her based on the laws of Moses. The scripture says, “This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.’ ” (John 8:6-11).

This story resonates deeply, now more than ever. I found myself in need of this scripture and what it entailed. The Bible doesn’t say what Jesus wrote on the ground, but maybe it was the very thing He offered. I don’t believe anyone that has a personal relationship with God, ever thinks they will make certain choices in their lives that do not live up to His expectations and desires for us. The reality is that we are all human and all fall short. None are sinless and God does not list a hierarchy of sin after Jesus came. The story above is an illustration of the endless grace and love that is poured out through the blood sacrifice of Jesus. This doesn’t remove the judgement we face when we meet Him, or exonerate the sin itself. But it does allow for the love and forgiveness in which we are all granted if we believe.

There are details of my story and those connected to it, that no one thinks to ask. Most choices that seem like malicious sin, are not grown from places of darkness and intent. I don’t need to detail the whys, but they existed when the moment came. Love played a part. The desire to help played a part. The want to see joy in someone else’s life played a part. I saw brokenness, loss and loneliness that I had experienced myself. Despite the barriers connections grew to much more than I ever imagined. What almost broke in me after, was my faith that God still loved me.

I had trust and hope that leadership within the church would continue to love me and remind me of God’s love, but it didn’t come. My sin exposed to the body without thought of me, the others effected, or the struggles I was already facing. Shame, guilt, sadness and fear consumed me. I almost turned away from God completely. Flecks of light given off by those truly following the teachings of Jesus, were the only thing that reminded me that God hadn’t abandon me. I saw judgement consume friendships long established and destroy the safe haven I had come to know and belong. Lies and assumptions plagued the building that once held my peace.

God is still in my story and continues to grow my faith. My actions didn’t define who I am to Him or lessen the importance of the life it created. Every aspect has been used for my good and His glory, and that only continues to be more clear as time passes. No life or lives will be wasted in the outcome of missteps. I have said before that God is the Author of life, and against all worldly odds, He exhibits His sovereignty. New life was created with purpose, as it always is. There is a joy that I have never known and a restoration beyond anything I ever imagined.

I know God isn’t holding me prisoner to my sin. Perhaps that’s what hurt so much about the church’s and people’s response to my situation. The condemnation was so much greater than the love and hope I know is offered by God. Again, that doesn’t mean my actions were absolved, but that His love for me didn’t change. Roads will always be rocky in this world, whether we make every right choice or stumble on occasion. What I hope to remind myself and others, is that we can always trust in the love we can never earn, don’t deserve and can never repay. Believe that God wants to restore, redeem and lead you to joy and peace. In moments when men fail us and buildings crumble, God remains forgiving, faithful, loving and kind.

“But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.” Ephesians 2:4-5