Welcome back. It’s been awhile. Two years of life has passed and I longed to get back to sharing my journey and the words of my heart. Writing has always been one of my greatest joys. I have a new appreciation for being able to write, and for so much more. It’s amazing how much growth and change can occur in such a short amount of time. My baby is no longer a baby, but a toddler. My little boy is now a young man. I am no longer a single divorcee, but a wife once again. My relationship with my Savior is stronger, more vibrant and more longed for than ever before. He has redirected, redeemed, restored and healed me. John 1: 5 says, “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”. This is truth. It is the purest and brightest light that emanates in a world filled with darkness.

I continue to see the light expand in my life and in my story. I have a beautiful family and a husband who loves the way Jesus said to love. He, like me, experienced brokenness, loss, confusion, darkness and emptiness. He lived in a place of fear and uncertainty that dissuaded his movement from toxicity. We had a friendship based on mutual understanding, not yet knowing we would be each other’s perfect new beginning. Timing and execution were not ideal, but we made our way to a place of repentance, acceptance and fulfillment of a plan formed from an imperfect start. Despite the time that has passed since we came together, there are plenty of people that still struggle to comprehend our story or accept our ultimate joy. I think many people believe that punishment needs to take place when someone does wrong, no questions asked. They believe that grace isn’t for everyone. Becoming judge, jury and executioner, they only want to see what they deem fair and just take place.

I had to shift out of that line of thinking, as I too, placed myself in a prison of self-loathing and self-deprecation. Until, I had a revelation of a Father, who like all loving fathers, only wanted to love me through my confusion and missteps. He walked beside me and waited for me to confess and release the burden of my own guilt. The remaining part of 1 John speaks of the fellowship we have with Jesus when we trust and confess. “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:8-9). Before my healing, I heard the whispers of the enemy target the vulnerable parts of my heart. I didn’t believe I was deserving of joy. I had to let go of what I thought I deserved as a punishment for my sin. My joy was sparked by finally recognizing, there is no darkness in and with God. My sin didn’t erase his love for me or his desire to bless us with a joyful life.

You see, joy is not happiness. Happiness is fleeting and fickle. It weans and wanes. It is circumstantial and conditional. Joy is everlasting, unmoving. It is resilient and durable. It is a foundational feeling that will linger beyond this world and enter into the next. It is truly a blessing to live a life that is filled with the daily expectation and gifts that come alongside joy. It is an experience and wonder that I never felt, outside of the birth of my children. Knowing now, how complete and full life becomes when it is present, has made me more grateful for every breath and moment. I discovered with gratitude at the center there is joy surrounding. David Steindl-Rast, a Benedictine monk, said it beautifully, “The root of joy is gratefulness…It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.”

My heart is filled with gratitude for all of the grace that my savior poured out for me. He opened the closed door of my heart and helped me to see every blessing instead of every struggle. I would not be here without people who became the hands and feet of Jesus during my darkest hours. They spoke life over me, and in turn, showed me how to truly embrace the gifts I was receiving through it all. They helped strengthen my faith and rebuild the foundation I once had. It was my reminder that faithfulness comes in knowing that circumstances will always change, but God never will. Even when we feel like we have failed and know we have disappointed him and others. We are redeemed and restored through our faith and trust in Jesus. This is our hope and the promise given and for that I am eternally grateful.

On this Resurrection Sunday, try to place yourself in a state of gratitude and not just thankfulness. You will see mountains conquered and find yourself rising out of valleys you thought would defeat you. You will discover that joy is not only obtainable, but sustainable. You will see the gift of grace and love that are given unconditionally. The first thing I do now when I open my eyes is thank God for another day. Grateful for this beautiful life that reflects his unending love. Grateful for love like I never imagined, beautiful and healthy children, for friends that remain, and for the hope that comes from trusting and believing fully in the author of the next chapter. I know how this story ends and I am full of joy and gratitude.