The past few weeks have been filled with more of the familiar aching, fear, sorrow, anger and confusion. It seems like the trials just keep coming. My vehicle and only available transportation, broke down and costs more to fix than the car’s value. My body is struggling to keep up with the changes happening so I am exhausted all of the time. I was contacted by a person I never expected to hear from again, and now am faced with finding forgiveness and direction. Our guinea pig died. It was a lot.

I don’t have the funds for a new vehicle or to fix mine. I have called nearly every contact/resource available for assistance with no return calls or emails. I have prayed, asked for prayer and have been leaning into God. I have again asked, yelled and cried, “Why???”, with no answer. I have repeated every scenario in my head and have scrutinized my every word and action. I have tried to make sense of every hardship we have faced in the past 3 months. None of it changed the circumstances. So what was left, but to wait and see God fulfill His promises.

My longing for peace and happiness is still ever present, and things left unchanged only remind me of a life I am now so unsure of. Never say that things can’t get worse, because this world has a way of challenging us with worse. I think it’s the reason many fall away from faith as their lives hit peaks and valleys. There is no reason in chaos or evil. Everything has seasons and most everything can change in an instant. We can never be fully prepared for what life can bring. Many of us will be hit with these changes when we least expect it. Some of us will run to God and others lose hope and turn away.

I find myself in the position of Thomas or Gideon, asking God for signs or reassurance that He is still listening, is still real, is still working. I want to know without any doubt that He hears me and is walking through it all with me. Despite all of the instances He has shown me the signs I so desperately seek, I can’t help but ask again and again. I truly believe that our seeking is what opens the door to His limitless love, mercy, blessings and miracles. He forgives our doubt and comforts us like any loving Father would.

Faith isn’t easy to maintain in a broken world. It is a daily choice, like so many other things. The waiting is the hardest when you believe so fully that redemption, restoration and blessings will come. God isn’t human and has no need to lie. His promises are clear, and the sacrifice made to ensure their fulfillment, priceless. Pain gets the better of us on some days, and the waiting becomes monotonous and unbearable with each passing hour. We forget that God’s silence does not mean He is absent. Our faith is born in the waiting, because only there, is faith necessary.

Time seems to pass so slowly during times of trial, but isn’t as long as it seems most of the time. Change comes, and we are faced with new challenges, but also blessed by the growth that came from trusting. It’s unfortunate how often I find myself more dedicated to my relationship with God in the lowest places and not in the highest. I get lost in my humanity. Though He is always in my life, I seek him more in my sorrows and difficulty. I’m starting to wonder if this is the reason I find myself struggling so frequently. I haven’t learned my lesson yet.

I want control of the outcome. I want to know that all of my steps lead to the life I believe I was promised. How selfish and naïve I am. My desire to dictate each outcome has removed God’s ability to truly move me into the position He knows is best for me. Perhaps this is where love like His is found. The peace I have been chasing and the security I want to ensure, is likely there too. If only I can keep my eyes focused on growing in and through Him, instead of mapping out an imaginary future I think is best.

Tomorrow more change will come. Life is still moving forward. My shattered pieces will fill a little more as I draw closer to God and the hope of surrendering each moment fully. My heart will heal a little more and get closer to forgiving myself and those who have disappointed and hurt me. My body will continue to grow and change. My son will continue to mature and hopefully will witness a strength and integrity in me despite my shortcomings. Together we will watch God work out all things for our good and His glory. There is an army surrounding us. We only need to be still and wait.

“Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:14